Q+A: Why do I push people away?
I regret my words and actions and now I want to make it right but I don't know how. I feel lonely, unworthy and emotionally stuck with indecision.
Welcome to the first Q+A that presents a foundational insight into an issue you may currently be experiencing. Presented to invite fresh perspective, see what’s possible by learning how to read for yourself, and develop psychological flexibility to help you choose a values-responsive path in resolving what keeps you up at night.
The background
True Black Tarot: Queen of Swords, Knight of Swords reversed, Page of Wands
Rana George Lenormand: Fox, Eastern Woman, Tree
You’re an independent and logical thinker; you work hard, are loyal to your family and have had to be agile and forward-thinking to get where you are life. You’ve perhaps made choices you’re not proud of to protect what you’ve built, and know these come from survival instincts you’ve gained from growing up.
You’re quick witted, smart, intelligent, but know you can be rash in your communication. You have strong boundaries and clear judgement. However, being strong-minded has meant you’ve tended to rule with your mind over your heart. Maybe you’ve denied yourself true connections for fear of not being good enough, and you can be prone to over-work in a bid to only concentrate on the things you can control.
Perhaps you once acted impulsively and it didn’t work out for you. So you’ve since employed strong boundaries as a method of self-control. However these boundaries may be more of a fortress; rather than a way of teaching people how you wish to be treated, you block any whiff of emotional connection.
When you least expected it, someone showed up in your life that rocked your world, indicated by the second person in the reading. They invited you another path; one of discovery, inspiration and limitless potential. They have a youthful energy about them, and one that you recognise is dormant within yourself. They leave you feeling alive. You now long to embrace that spirit within you, and have found that doing the opposite is effecting your mental health, and limiting your spiritual and personal growth.
The what you’re doing in reactive mode…
Tarot: King of Swords
Lenormand: Coffin
You’re ending things before they’ve began. Your logical mind is so powerful it’s overruling your internal heart or soul wisdom for fear of losing control. You may consider that you’re looking after others, but in doing so, there’s an element of self-deception at play. After all, we can never know what’s best for other people; only they know that.
In a non self-judgemental way, reflect on where might you be acting out of assumption that you’re doing the right thing by others, by remaining in a situation that needs to change? What does this both enable, and disable, for you?
Perhaps you’ve convinced yourself you don’t need anything or anyone else, and are better off ending anything new that is going to cause you worry, or change. As a result, you may be finding yourself stuck in a ‘dead-end’ situation with something or someone, that is now causing you great sadness.
Your grief in ignoring your soul’s wisdom is leaving you emotionally drained and you know you have to face the end of a situation you’ve been actively avoiding, and focus on how you can constructively face repressed patterns that hold you back.
You’re a person of truth and faith. What is the first thing you can do now to step into that truth? Keeping self acceptance in mind, how can you make imperfect progress towards speaking up?
The why you’re doing it…
Tarot: Six of Cups and Bottom of deck: Five of Pentacles
Lenormand: Tower and Western Woman
There is a chance you’re living in the past and you could be fearing abandonment. You reminisce on how things were and often wonder why things have to change.
You fear getting hurt, losing something, or being ‘found out’ for not being as confident as you’re externally presenting. You likely don’t feel worthy, and have shown up full force to a material life as a way of avoiding emotional connection. But of course, the downside is you’re denying emotional fulfillment. As I said earlier, you might be throwing yourself into work in a bid to consistently provide evidence of your worth.
Your past is returning, in part, for resolution. You have emotional pain you’ve suppressed and you now have an opportunity to heal the part of you that longs for full expression. There’s a chance a past experience and subsequent limiting thoughts around that are causing you to project your mistrust. You may fear you’ll lose what you’ve worked hard to gain by allowing yourself to open up. However, by denying yourself the opportunity to open your mind and heart, you’re placing yourself in a self imposed confinement as self protection, resulting in loneliness.
Choosing a responsive way forward…
Tarot: Devil reversed
Lenormand: Sun
You’re aware of some of the patterns and cycles that hold you back in life, but tend to default to the path of least resistance that keeps you there. Often the illusion of daily suffering can be viewed as better than the assumed suffering caused from acting on the unknown. Deep down you know you’re delaying the inevitable. You know you now need to work on releasing the sadness, beliefs and opinions that keep you enslaved to short term desires at the expense of your happiness and fulfillment.
Note in the reading above, that whilst the Devil speaks of releasing the inner turmoil, the Sun in lenormand shines favourably and illuminates your behavioural path in every aspect of your life both privately and professionally. Meaning, the changes you now make will allow you to step into your natural charisma and realise your self-esteem for the benefit of yourself and others.
Consider looking into what attachment style resonates the most for you as the Devil reversed can indicate a time when an undermining pattern has become a focus. The goal we all strive for is to become interdependent within our relationships. And, to create a secure attachment style that enables us to communicate our needs and values in a safe space within those relationships.
With the surrounding cards at play, reflect: Do you avoid getting close to others and subconsciously push them away? Do you equate intimacy as a threat to your independence? Or, do you become anxious and fear your partner won’t be able to return your love and push them away before they have a chance to abandon you?
The what to do next…
Tarot: World reversed
Lenormand: Crossroads and Bottom of deck: Stork
The World compounds your need to accept that something in your life has ended. A cycle, or soul contract has closed and your unresolved patterns indicated by the Devil are coming up to process. This is to help you move forward and grow into a healthier way of being that supports the person you’ve become, and are becoming, and to realise the next stage of your life according to your soul contract.
Please note: Whilst this is not a divinational reading, the layout I use to determine a direction forward is used to illustrate the behavioural action and psychological elements to embrace to realise full potential. Within Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), intentions are supported by values-aligned goals and committed action. Within this reading, it is clear there is a choice to be made and within the interests of developing psychological flexibility (the goal of ACT), this choice is relating directly to an ending that is being avoided - for reasons that undermine personal and spiritual growth.
Something, or someone, has to be let go of in order to move forward. You’re seeking personal closure and may even be experiencing delays or blocks in the daily things you do that further avoid facing your truth. These delays are likely being reflected to you whilst you develop self acceptance, and let go of the illusion that staying in your current situation is working for you.
Remember there is always a choice. When you choose to not change anything, you are still choosing. If it is in your life path to embrace a transition, the volume will go up until you do. Meaning, you will get more uncomfortable until you choose to awaken to your own milestone of evolution and understanding, all whilst ‘feeling the fear’, and progressing regardless.
Whether art-journalling, music or fishing is your thing, choose a time and place to be ‘still’ and consider:
Accepting yourself as you are.
Everyone has an ego; it’s a critical component to conscious living, however when you let your ego run the show, it can call the shots and paradoxically leave you feeling powerless. There is nothing wrong with having a secure grounding in the material world so that you feel able to reach up to your higher consciousness. Check out Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. However, the aim is to create a balance that enables spiritual and emotional wealth, regardless of what is happening in your material world. One is not at the expense of the other. I mention this in response to feelings of self worth. And to the same tune, living a life that is purely numbing out or employing a method that avoids taking practical steps toward your truth, could mean you’re using that method to bypass being proactive (Devil energy).
What, and who, really matters to you?
Each morning consider making a note of what, and who, are important to you.
What of your personal values can you elicit from these?
What then arises in terms of thoughts and judgements relating to their significance and importance?
Can you notice what you do in response to this inner dialogue? How does your body respond?
How can you choose a different way of responding to your internal dialogue that is aligned with the values you hold; of what and who is important to you?
Your magic wand (is you)
If you had a magic wand (a method of defusion within ACT), where all the worry and ‘what if’s’ weren’t a thing, what would be the first thing you would do and say? To whom? How would you be holding yourself in terms of posture? Would you be smiling and open?
Working with your solar plexus that houses your “I can” energy, what can you notice about how you talk to yourself? Would you talk to someone you respected in the same way?
Who’s voice do you hear when faced with something new that might kick your self worth achilles heel?
How might you improve your ability to show yourself compassion for how you’ve been protecting yourself?
How can you show yourself the love and support for what is now coming to an end that you can embrace, whilst trusting in yourself and believing your path is divinely guided?