Q+A: Why am I so competitive?
I can't do anything in my life without making it into a competition. I have to win at all costs otherwise I'm on the biggest downer.
This post is answering a reader’s question with guidance that gets to the root of their challenge. Q+A posts are written to inspire a break in isolating thought patterns and develop confidence in your own intuitive craft.
Q.
For as long as I can remember I’ve always had to win at whatever I do. From social conflict to work meetings to leisurely sport, I have to get it right, be the best, have the last word, rise through the ranks and frankly it’s exhausting. If I don’t come in first at something, I feel a failure and on a massive downer.
Linescape Tarot Evolution Gold and Pixie’s Astounding Lenormand L-R:
Whip + Hermit reversed, Birds + Page of Wands, Dog + Ace of Pentacles, Anchor + Knight of Pentacles, Fish + Three of Swords, Knight of Swords reversed + Crossroads, Knight of Wands + Ring.
Bottom: Two of Wands reversed + Cross. Icosahedron: 7.
A.
“Sometimes the cost of winning for all the right reasons is so great that spirits die and hearts grow cold.” - Janet Morris
There has been a time in your life where you’ve suffered isolation and possible neglect, leading you to feel separated from essential connection. There may have been a lot of tension in your childhood where your opinion or feelings were overridden resulting in conflict or blatant eradication of your personal boundaries and well-being.
You’re a free spirit with plenty of ideas and have been born into the world to be a visionary in search of new opportunity. You’re creative and never run out of inspiration or motivation to learn something new. However, your landing pad in this life appears to have set the foundation for an initial lesson of struggle where the people directly around you have not been quite as open to your energy and have perhaps sought to shut you down. There’s a sense of endurance and a need to swim against the tide simply to be heard leaving you self protective and questioning your worth because of the primary emotional wounding you’ve endured.
Your need to win indicates a bid to prove your worth and be approved of. Or to put it another way, your self concept is tied to doing something, or being someone great, verified externally but not internally. So if you ‘lose’ at something, you identify with this as meaning you’re a bad person, or you’re not good enough.
Evolution of the Mind
Below is an excellent short video by Dr. Russ Harris that illustrates our primal need for belonging that I often use in session. Using a lighthearted cartoon based in the Stone Age, he demonstrates how our very acceptance is tied to survival and how this translates into modern day society.
Your need to be accepted is hard wired into being human however you’re repeating an undermining pattern causing emotional pain that holds you in a cycle of perfectionism. Your level of personal standard has become meticulous and self-uncompromising leaving you stuck as to how you can get lift-off, reach your aspirations and collaborate effectively with others.
Self validation
Your emotional pain is impacting your faith in yourself and working with the root is the priority so you can release and transition from these intense emotions. There is a lot to indicate your strong sense of individuality and entrepreneurial spirit in your reading and with self compassion and commitment, you can learn how to identify your needs and to follow opportunities based on what matters most to you.
In short, you’re learning how to pick your battles and choose where to place your energy versus defending your views when you doubt your own position. When you come from a place of strength in who you are, you can reinforce your boundaries and move away from the need to convince others of your point of worth because you will no longer be rejecting yourself.
A competitive spectrum
Participate in activities that are both competitive and non competitive to provide yourself with a full spectrum of balance and differing opinions. You’re quick thinking have undoubted expertise, however we’re always learning. What environments can you explore now that can support your growth that leads to self awareness, observation, thoughtful pause and opportunities that align with your personal values?
Know your worth
There are three out of four Knights presenting in your reading with each having complimentary energy but only when they work together. The one that is missing is the Knight of Cups which further exemplifies my guidance in your need for self compassion. When you come from a place of knowing your worth, you’re able to lead your Knightly charge with self commitment; no longer doubting the value you place on yourself as a human being simply because you may or may not be ‘good at something’. Irrespective of your level of competency in something, you’ll be able to follow your passion with passion because it’ll be about fun, enjoyment, and for the hell of it, thus regaining your natural inspiration and joie de vivre.
Summary
When your inner alignment is recovered through self identification and approval, your fear of the unknown will become less of an obstacle. Why do I mention fear of the unknown? Because often when our sense of self has been undermined in our younger years, a paradox can develop where by we feel the pull towards exploration and innovation but simultaneously fear the success this brings.
When you’ve relied on other’s approval, the sheer extent of not receiving it can stunt progression to put ideas forth into the world for fear of rejection. You may allow a few ideas to seep through and keep the best to yourself, or pull the plug before the going gets really going. The numerological 7 on the icosahedron aligns with the numerological seven year we’re currently in; indicating the need to calibrate with your personal truth before momentum can be gained.
Consider…
What, if any, are the costs and benefits of continuing to pursue control?
By allowing self acceptance to be your primary victory, what is the first thing you can do for yourself today as an act of self approval?
What would you like answering?
No matter what the topic, if it’s holding you back or undermining your sense of sanity, it’s worth asking the question. For a simple overview into your challenge, email me using the button below. All questions will appear as anonymous to protect your identity.
Alison Jeavons is a professional intuitive, certified Transpersonal Coach, Practitioner in Trauma Focused Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (TFACT), Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), plus a variety of humanistic and alternative models. Founded in 2015, Soulchology is a place where intuition and spirituality meet the grounded support of trauma-informed behaviourism for identity, skill-development, emotional well-being and transition.
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